Category Archives: Email

Attempting to be Pen Pals with Mr. Richard Madeley

A surprising element of our trip through the Stans was a burgeoning correspondence with Mr. Richard Madeley, of Richard and Judy television fame. He’d been contacted by our amazing friend Aaron, whom for Susan’s 40th had sent out beautifully hand written letters with blank birthday cards to lots of her favourite celebrities (plus a few random ones, and ones she hates) to fill out and send to her with their well wishes. As well as sending back his card with a nice personal message (although Aaron had at this point ran out of 40th cards and told him Susan was 50!), Mr. Richard Madeley also went to the effort of calling up to say Happy Birthday in person! To our utter dismay we were in the wilds of Nukus, Uzbekistan at the time and had no phone signal so we didn’t get to speak to him and the voicemail didn’t even kick in, so he sent a lovely email instead:

“Dear Susan

Firstly, happy 50th, although as you are currently adrift in the wastes of the desert you may not receive this for some time. Or, indeed, ever, if your goat’s bladder of water runs short. However, we live in confidence and hope.
Assuming your survival, I thought I might just add to your developing appreciation of The Pickwick Papers. Here’s an extract I just know you will like.

“Oh, she dotes on poetry, sir. She ADORES it … she has produced some delightful pieces herself, sir. You may have met with her ‘Ode to an Expiring Frog, sir?’

Now that’s writing.
Lots of love on your 50th, Susan. You have some very nice friends.
Best wishes,

Richard Madeley. xx”

What a total gentleman and all round amazing human being he is! So having some time to ourselves on the night train from Yerevan, Armenia to Tbilisi, Georgia we thought it was about time to reply and try to become life long friends with the wonderful Mr. Richard Madeley, as well as send him some snaps of Jill’s fabulous new sausage skin fake tan and Susan weeing into The Gates of Hell:

Dear Mr. Richard Madeley…

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Promotional Photo Shoot Opportunity‏

Hi Dave!

We saw your work on rockthenorth.com and were also pointed in your direction by your good friend Traci Island. We are an experimental electro spastic quartet from Moldova and are looking for a local alternative interest photographer who can think outside the box to shoot some provokative promotional shots for our forthcoming, self titled debut album “Marijuana Fuelled Murders” which I’m sure you’ve already heard of as it is slowly becoming the buzz word on the unergroung scene (a new mix of underground and grunge – as I’m sure you are aware).
The cartistic concept of our croject is to bring to the pubics attention our glam and gritty fundamentalist proactive mission statement and core values – think Boney M meets Sir Winston Churchill (maybe we can get some poppies (and poppers) involved?). Do you think you’re up to the challenge? Please be aware that we do have in mind some very risque shots, do you have a problem shooting on full frontal male nudity? Do you have a lense big enough for one of our majestic yet diminutive male members? We will provide our own make up artists, warrobes and fluffers. Location wise we have heard of a place near East Bolden Metro station where there is an amazing tree deity which we would like to be photographed in the throws of pagan worship to. I do hope that this does not contravene your religious beliefs. If you would like us to commit sacreligious acts against your enemy religion then we would be happy to confer on that topic as a matter of thanks for your endeavours in our cartistic croject.
Anyway, the balls is in your sink!
Hope to hear from you coon,

Marijuana Fuelled Murders.

For your reading pleasure we have included the lyrics to one of No 1 Molavian hits (please excuse the translation) :

Subpoena your sub-penis
It really is quite heinous
My caravan in Venus
Has a sink and a loo

Subpoena your sub-penis
I really couldn’t feel this
I just don’t want to ream this
Or cover it in poo

Subpoena your sub-penis
You really oughtta see this
A baboon in some Chinos
That looks just like you

Subpoena your sub-penis
I think you might be Amieesh
I want to build your barneesh
With bits of wood and glue.

We hope you’re impressed by our lyricular semantics and etamology.
Come and be part of our parts Dave – As we say in Moldova – Мы хоп у вас много хороших киска – или осел, если вы предпочитаете.

 

Susan and Jill show you how to Acquire a Choir for Hire – email sent to Amics de la Unio Catholic choir n Barcelona, aged 11 – 17

Hola Amics de la Unio!

We are an exciting new composing duo from the United Kingdom, Lamb and Pea! We are currently working on a dynamic avant garde musical entitled “Marijuana Fuelled Murders”, an enticing, evocative, memorable piece delving deep into the dangers of youthful drug addction and how with the power of the Lord you can bring yourself back from the briney brink of bestruction. We are looking for an all singing, all dancing effervescent yet gritty collective to join us in this bizarre yet compelling adventure of love, drugs, loss and woe and the triumph over the face of adversity and the salvaton of Pynamar.
Would you be interested in such a life changing opportunity?! Well then, we invite you to audtion to become a part of our groundbreakng project, for which of course all travel expenses, accomodation and remuneration plus a mutually agreed upon share of the profits will be provided then please email us at: marijuanafuelledmurders@live.co.uk
We look forward to your response,

Lamb and Pea.

 

Surprisingly, we have yet to receive a response…